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| "My family don't like you anyway, and I'm not divorcing them!" |
Perhaps that individual could be you.....
With that being said, a few questions comes to mind:
Why do so many Black men and Black women today who strongly believed they were soul mates at one point and time in their relationship end up becoming formidable enemies, arguing, fighting, slamming doors, sleeping in separate rooms, until both parties involved decide the best thing to do in the above case is to just file for divorce and move on.
Why do so many married couples today who swore to being lovers for life, end up hating one another to the point of
cheating on one another, physically hurting and harming one another, or perhaps even to the point of taking the other individual's life?
Why is the divorce rate among Black men and Black women today (including in the church) at an all-time high today, and will continue to soar in record numbers?
Although we constantly read and hear about the escalating divorce statistics, within the Black community but, rarely do those escalating statistics seem to bother the masses.
Without a doubt, marriage is one of the most important decisions we’ll ever make in our lives, but unfortunately, many Black men and women today AREN'T MARRIAGE MATERIAL, simply because most of them give far more thought to other areas of their lives such as: to their education, to their careers, as well as to purchasing a home much more than they do "MARRIAGE PREPARATION" and the selection of quality marriage partner.
So why do so many Black marriages fail today?
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| "I'm sick of you and your nosey ass family!" |
Brothas and Sistahs....Please pay very close attention to them, and avoid them with every fiber of your being:
1)- Some men and women today become the wrong mate as a result of being manipulated and heavily influenced by very negative family members, co-workers, friends, etc., who are/were NOT qualified to give sound advice, simply because they've had numerous failed relationships themselves....
2) - Some men and women today chose the wrong mate simply because they have very limited, or NO basic knowledge of the opposite sex, especially as it pertains to the characteristics of a GOOD husband, or a GOOD wife....
3) - Their marriage was established on very weak foundations, (i.e. sex, money, social status, unplanned pregnancy, her biological clock, his need to dominate and control women, or her strong desire to feel like she took him to a much higher level in his life than his previous relationship(s)....
4) - They didn’t take the time to properly get to know one other, but instead they decided to "jump the broom" after only dating for 1 year or less....
5) - They were unequally yoked, as in; "YOU CAN'T TURN A HOE INTO A HOUSEWIFE", no more than you can "TURN A LAZY, SLOTHFUL FUCK-BOY INTO A HUSBAND!"
6) - Their past relationships/marriages FAILURES came back to haunt them, causing them to bring very negative, harmful, unresolved mental, emotional and psychological baggage into the marriage, with insecurity and "trust issues" being at the top of the list....
7) - One, or both parties involved still have a strong sexual desire (a soul-tie) with a previous spouse, live-in-lover, or friend with benefits....Chances are, they're making love to you, while fantasizing and wishing they were with someone else from their past.
Please Note: Unless the two of you are virgins, you will always be compared to someone else from his, or her pass.
8) - One, or both parties involved failed very miserably to master the Art of Communication....
9) - Blended family issues....One, or both parties involved have children from a previous relationship, or marriage, but for whatever reason(s) could not get along with, or just couldn't deal with the drama surrounding the other spouse's child(ren)....
10) - One or both parties involved harbored bitterness and very ill feelings toward the opposite sex prior to marriage....These very angry gender-bashing males and females have been severely hurt by members of the opposite sex in the past, and despite them getting married, they still believe deep down in their hearts that "ALL BLACK MEN ARE DOGS", and or that "ALL BLACK WOMEN HAVE MEAN, NASTY ATTITUDES!"
Please Note: These individuals aren't relationship material, more or less marriage material.
11) - One or both parties involved had very unrealistic marital expectations. Albert Einstein once said, “Men marry women with the hope they will never change. Likewise, women marry men with the hope they will change. Invariably, they’re both disappointed.”
Below is my list of common unrealistic marriage expectations that often leads to divorce:
- My spouse is supposed to complete me.
- Getting married is/was the hard part. Once I'm married, I should live happily ever after.
- My spouse’s job is to make me a much better, more evolved individual.
- My spouse will NEVER change.
- I should be able to make my spouse change in the ways I want him or her to.
- The sex will always be mind-blowing because the two of us truly love each other.
- My spouse will give me whatever I want simply because he or she loves me.
- My spouse’s life should revolve around me and NO one else, including children from a previous relationship.
- My spouse will be the only person I'll ever need.
- Because we love each other, we’ll always be able to resolve all of our differences.
- We should never go to bed angry and upset with one another.
- We will spend all our free time together – just like we did when the two of us first fell in love.
12) - FAILED FINANCES: Listed below are what I strongly believe are some of the most common money mistakes that many married couples continue to make today:
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| "It seems like all we do is work to pay off maxed-out credit cards!" |
- Thinking your spouse's debt is not your problem....
- Failing to join finances....
- Not having proper spending rules in place....
- Keeping secrets and hiding money....
- Leaving bills in the hands of one person despite both parties being employed....
- Neglecting to plan for the long term....
- Letting emotions overtake very critical financial decisions....
13) - One, or both parties involved NEVER had proper marital role models growing up in the home.
Unknown to many, parents serve as their children’s first set of role models, which means that parent’s are the first individuals to set examples and teach their children life skills and how to co-exist together with a member of the opposite sex in the form of a husband or wife. In a meaningful marriage setting children also learn problem solving skills, as well as how they ought to treat their spouse, and how they ought to be treated by thier spouse.
As small children who will one day grow up and turn into adults with relationships of their own, it is very important that children are surrounded by two adults in the form of a quality mother and a quality father who challenge themselves on a daily basis to serve as positive role models for their young children.
The problem within the Black community today is that too many of our homes are headed by single parents, depriving our young Black children the opportunity to witness and to learn first-hand their respective gender roles and obligations, especially in a relationship, or marriage setting....
14) - In conjunction with NOT having proper marital role models growing up in the home, one or both parties involved NEVER submitted to premarital training, counseling, or mentoring....
15) - One or both parties involved are afraid or, think it's not very necessary to commit themselves to a member of the opposite sex for the rest of their lives. By that I mean many Black males and females I've spoken with recently strongly believe marriage is very "OVERRATED" and completely "OUTDATED".
For those reasons alone many Black males and females by the masses are mentally conditioned to believe it's much better and more convenient to shack-up together, share bills and a bed from IKEA without the rings, or the marriage license.
Don't get me wrong, there are Black couples who aspire to get married in this day and age, but unfortunately, the number of Black males and females who think otherwise is much greater.
Contrary to popular opinion embrace by multitudes of Black males and Black females today, the problem ISN'T marriage. The problem is personal baggage, commitment and how they've been mentally conditioned to comprehend marriage.
Secondly, we must become the right mate and learn how to choose the right mate....
We must learn to take full responsible for our own actions, as well as for our very poor choices regarding the opposite sex and STOP blaming, bashing, and vilifying every member of the opposite sex for our own poor choices....
It wasn't the misogynistic, doggish males of your pass that failed you, nor was it those very promiscuous, hostile females of your pass that failed you as much as it was you who failed yourself by choosing to lay and play with the WRONG males, or the WRONG females for all of the WRONG reasons.
Like it or not, agree with it or not, you were your own worst enemy in the past when it came to Love, Sex, Marriage and the Opposite Sex....
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| "A successful marriage requires falling in love many times over, with the same individual!" |
With that being said, surround yourself with these very honorable Black men and virtuous Black women and follow their examples! Receive their sound advice and nuggets of wisdom as consultation and not them prying into your personal business, and allow them to be your mentors.
Examine your personal beliefs and attitudes regarding the opposite sex and marriage as a whole. Make some major, or minor adjustments if necessary, by totally eliminate any unrealistic expectations, beliefs, feelings, influences or opinions embraced solely by you, or shared by others that would hinder you from experiencing a happy healthy marriage with the right Black man, or the right Black woman!
ALL THOUGHTS WELCOME!
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